frustration

My [maternal] grandparents were incredible grandparents, and were even more incredible academics.  They both received a top notch education: My yaya was probably one of the top 20, if not top 10, most highly educated people in China at the time; at the same time, my waipo was one of the few females in her university and went on to become a famous professor and researcher, publishing over 20 books and translating many more to Chinese from English and Japanese, AND her textbook is still being used to this day, 11 years after her death.  My grandparents were amazing - no one can contest that, and i challenge you to find another non-politician couple born before 1920 in China, who had a better education and/or higher status than them.

At the start of the cultural revolution, they were both parents and professionals already - one was a professor at JiaoTong University, undoubtably one of the best universities in China, and the other was the head of psychology at the East China Normal University ('teacher's college', sort of) and took a major part in establishing THE top middle school in China right now.  Success, yes.  Prestige, yes.  Money, yes.  A sense of accomplishment, yes.  A sense of self-worth, yes. 

.... but then, Mao decided to take all of that away from them.  During the cultural revolution, my grandfather was literally tarred and feathered in front of his colleagues and his students at JiaoTong University.  A few months after he was publically humilitated for kicks by the communists, he was actually thankful that he was humilitated then and not later because later, the tarred and feathered professors were also beaten.  My grandfather was >50 by then and likely would've died from a beating.  The other professors were likely around the same age.  Who knows how many of them at JiaoTong University and the other top universities in China, died.  We will never know, just like we will never know how many people during the Tiananmen Square Massacre.

My grandmother was not tarred and feathered.  Instead, for 10years, my waipo, a highly educated, highly successful, highly respected woman, was forced to literally sweep the ground outside.  with a broom.  A concept I've never understood in China - the dust is gonna come back anyway!!!! 

From having the respect of people in your community, from having money to buy what you want, from having been and having known how 'high class' people live (both my yaya and waipo came from much poorer backgrounds), to sweeping the ground, to being humilitated in front of your entire school, to not having much money, to having almost EVERYTHING they've worked so goddam hard for taken away with one raid after another, to having little sense worth.... and yet all the while trying to raise 3 children and trying to avoid being pummelled or shot by the communists for any misstep in what they said or what they did. 

... Yet they lived through it.  No one can ever really know what they thought that time because they, like others who went through what they did, had blocked it out of their memories and refused to talk about it.  But their grandchildren and future generations can try to grasp what they went through.  From having everything to having less than nothing. 

Have I ever mentioned why i hate Mao??
Perhaps my blog is why China has blocked blogspot blogs.

Now, my life. 
From having my own car, from having the freedom to do what and say what i want when i want, from being able to access any and all information that i wanted to access.... to THIS.  "This" is better than during the cultural revolution, but I still I feel like i was plucked from the lap of 'luxury' to come to this god-forsaken place because i did somehitng bad.  This is torture.  China absolutely sucks.  If you've grown up in and grown used to our standards of living, having to LIVE in China as a 'normal' person (i.e. not a millionaire) for longer than a few weeks will make you extremely depressed and frustrated.  Especially if you LOOK Chinese, because people just look down at you because you sound retarded, and also because Chinese people have no respect for anyone else.  I've experienced this first hand, obviously, and i've also experienced the relative 'respect' that i've gotten when i walked around with a Caucasian friend.  What the hell is wrong with the morons here?!?!?  (not everyone, just a certain few.  But it only takes one rotten apple to spoil the bunch)

I'm sick of feeling like collapsing mid-day from the heat because morons here are too cheap to turn on the air conditioner.  I'm sick of being able to afford a cab but not being able to hail one.  I'm sick of cab drivers who blame YOU when THEY don't know where the hell they're going.  I'm sick of being here.  I'm sick of China.  I'm sick of Chinese people.  I miss Canada.  I miss my car.  I miss my friends.  I miss going out and not feeling like i'm gonna die any second.  I miss not being in so much pain that i feel like crying but knowing that instead of asking me if i'm ok, people will just stare at me and maybe step on my toes some more or kick some more dirt in my face or spat on me some more.

How did my grandparents live through it???  I know what i'm going through totally pales compared to what they went through... and yet, I still hate this life.  I wish i had even a figment of their strength.